Butterfly

 I was feeling a little sad today. Then I had a visitor. There is just something about watching a butterfly that makes my heart feel a little lighter ♥

Hope Matters

I learned something about myself today. 

It actually came as a big surprise. It was one of those things that when you see it in yourself, you think...wow...that's really been there for awhile now and I just didn't see it. 

I tell all my friends to never give up hope..that there is always hope! 

I realized today that I don't allow myself to hope anymore. 

Yes. It was surprising. 

But I don't. 

I don't allow myself to be hopeful when making a new friend. Or when that friend becomes an attraction. Oh..I feel it's tiny head try to peek up and I just close the lid on it. 

Maybe I stopped hoping during my last abusive relationship. That one nearly did me in. I was very happy to get out of that one with at least a scrap of sanity left. 

But somewhere along the way, I started expecting the worst out of any situation. If I expected it, then I could brace myself for it, I mean really brace myself for it..then it wouldn't double me over when it came. 

Not realizing I was taking the enjoyment out of EVERYTHING in my life. New things, new experiences that I should be enjoying...never really and truly brought me any pleasure. I spent so much time thinking about things that I just KNEW were going to happen. Getting ready for them, much like people prepare for a hurricane..there is much excitement...fear...but no real enjoyment. 

So I have made myself miss out on a lot of good things, a lot of fun. Even if they ended in less than desirable ways...I got NO enjoyment from them at all. 

I realized this today because I met what I thought was a  great guy a few months ago. We talked and got to know each other. Modern romance way..online. We talked on Skype at least once a week. We became so attracted to each other that we just had to meet.  I cashed in my Sky Miles and we made it happen. I took off work, he took off work, I flew to his country. He drove 4 hours from his home to get me at the airport. He was so romantic. He rented a penthouse suite. We drove to his house the next day, watched a movie, enjoyed each other's company. I flew back the next day. He sent home one of his shirts  for me to sleep in, as well as a very nice jacket  for me to wear to keep me warm. I left smiling. 

But through ALL this...I kept expecting him to do what other guys always did. He didn't know of all the nights that I ranted to one of my best friends about what I just KNEW he was going to do next...and he never did. He always did and said the right things. 

Well, I am home now and he doesn't seem  interested anymore. I have driven myself crazy wondering what I did wrong. Why did he suddenly lose interest? Was I not physically attractive enough? He told me before I came that didn't matter to him. He was more interested in the woman inside and that she wanted to come, share a part of herself with him. (I know, right? Swoon) 

While a part of me thinks..everything is okay, another part of me thinks, no, this is when it's going to happen. I wait for it. Instead of basking in the afterglow of a fantastic, romantic time..I wait for the ax to fall. 

But a part of me wonders...in preparing myself for this to end SO well...will  I help make it happen? And if it did happen...if I had let myself enjoy the moments and feelings up until the point that it did..would it really  hurt that much more? Because really, I hurt through the whole thing expecting it. (sketch is by me) 

In time

Words

Swirl round and round my head. 

Like wind. 

Softly. 

Barely touching. 

Lingering, caressing. 

Whispering now..

Yet they won't let me go. 

"In the fullness of time" they tell me, 

"Then you will know."

In and out they swirl. 

Fog taking my sight. 

I feel your words. 

Branding my heart. 

I hear your words still.

They will not let me go. 

"In the fullness of time, you will know"

Lifting my hair

Lightly kissing my neck. 

I close my eyes....

You stand there whispering. 

With a sigh....

"In the fullness of time, you will know."

Strength Of Woman/Running Free

I did the sketch of a woman first. I kept looking at it, kept feeling the 'pull' to do a painting. The first person who saw it, knew what I wanted to say...better than I did myself :) It's about being who you are...breaking free from the chains of who society expects you to be...living your life as art. ....
" I particularly like this one. It makes me think of powerful we women are, without having to resort to anything other than what Mother Nature gave us. It's real, and naked and truthful! I love this painting! Sometimes certain paintings reach out and speak to me. This one did. Alot of times when I buy a book, I notice it because of the cover art. I've discovered alot of authors I really like that way! LOL" Kathie

• 
  
• 
  

Apathy

So, Dane and I were discussing 'apathy'. The conversation led to Martin Niemoller's writing...and I couldn't get it out of my mind. So I came home and wrote this.

Anger

I have seen this before, a long time ago...I never forgot it. I think it never hurts to read these things again from time to time.
Sometimes...we don't take the time to think about how things we say will affect others. Or things we write. I think this is a bigger problem these days. It's easy to say something in written word that we'd never dream of saying to someone's face. Either way...we ARE responsible for our words....Nice Matters. 

 “There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.” A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one." 

Woman Child

The quiet, soft little girl voice begs, "Please notice me. Please love me". 

The woman voice shouts, "I am strong, I am beautiful! I will make you notice me! I will shock you and then maybe you will love me." 

The quiet little girl voice begs, "Please don't use me. Please don't lie to me. Don't walk away with my heart when you are done. Please don't leave me broken. "

The woman voice shouts, "I will behave however I choose. I will dress however I like. It's not the 50's anymore. You have to show me respect, it doesn't matter what I do. I have freedom. And you will love me, I will make certain of it!" 

The little girl voice quietly cries, "Please treat me like a lady. I only ever wanted to be loved by you. Please don't walk away. Please love me"

The woman voice screams, "I don't need you anyway! It's just sex, after all. I am a liberated woman. I can do as I please. I don't need you to open doors for me!"

The little girl quietly whispers, "I only wanted you to carry me into our castle, to love and cherish me forever, like you promised. "

"And then I became a woman. I became everything the world said I should be. And I am alone. I am a woman, trying to behave like a man. Which is a terrible waste of a woman."

When I painted this I called it "Anxiety" , but that was really not right...I poured so much into it, so much more than that. At the time, I was having a lot of anxiety issues, but that stemmed from dealing with so many different things. A couple of my friends read it and the following is what this painting said to them...and I was moved to tears, because they 'got' it! 

Kelly...." My interpretation.... it is symbolic of you. flowing hair means and the peace symbol near your visionary eye depict you are peaceful and reflective person. Your eyes are closed and the abstract art we see is what is in your mind at this moment and shows us the many things you see in the world deeper than the surface of what they appear to be and value the difference in each. The lady is of yourself, and no bra with open shoulder top shows you enjoy your freedom sexually and your boobies not being symmetric symbolize that you do not see yourself as being perfect and you are ok with that. Your crossed arms show how you feel content with both your securities and insecurities. Your red lipstick and finger nails are a way saying that as peaceful as you appear, you have passion and lust for sensual pleasure of human body."

Kathie...."I got Tension and a feeling of push/pull from this before I even looked at the title! You certainly are an expressive artist! I feel it..