I learned something about myself today.
It actually came as a big surprise. It was one of those things that when you see it in yourself, you think...wow...that's really been there for awhile now and I just didn't see it.
I tell all my friends to never give up hope..that there is always hope!
I realized today that I don't allow myself to hope anymore.
Yes. It was surprising.
But I don't.
I don't allow myself to be hopeful when making a new friend. Or when that friend becomes an attraction. Oh..I feel it's tiny head try to peek up and I just close the lid on it.
Maybe I stopped hoping during my last abusive relationship. That one nearly did me in. I was very happy to get out of that one with at least a scrap of sanity left.
But somewhere along the way, I started expecting the worst out of any situation. If I expected it, then I could brace myself for it, I mean really brace myself for it..then it wouldn't double me over when it came.
Not realizing I was taking the enjoyment out of EVERYTHING in my life. New things, new experiences that I should be enjoying...never really and truly brought me any pleasure. I spent so much time thinking about things that I just KNEW were going to happen. Getting ready for them, much like people prepare for a hurricane..there is much excitement...fear...but no real enjoyment.
So I have made myself miss out on a lot of good things, a lot of fun. Even if they ended in less than desirable ways...I got NO enjoyment from them at all.
I realized this today because I met what I thought was a great guy a few months ago. We talked and got to know each other. Modern romance way..online. We talked on Skype at least once a week. We became so attracted to each other that we just had to meet. I cashed in my Sky Miles and we made it happen. I took off work, he took off work, I flew to his country. He drove 4 hours from his home to get me at the airport. He was so romantic. He rented a penthouse suite. We drove to his house the next day, watched a movie, enjoyed each other's company. I flew back the next day. He sent home one of his shirts for me to sleep in, as well as a very nice jacket for me to wear to keep me warm. I left smiling.
But through ALL this...I kept expecting him to do what other guys always did. He didn't know of all the nights that I ranted to one of my best friends about what I just KNEW he was going to do next...and he never did. He always did and said the right things.
Well, I am home now and he doesn't seem interested anymore. I have driven myself crazy wondering what I did wrong. Why did he suddenly lose interest? Was I not physically attractive enough? He told me before I came that didn't matter to him. He was more interested in the woman inside and that she wanted to come, share a part of herself with him. (I know, right? Swoon)
While a part of me thinks..everything is okay, another part of me thinks, no, this is when it's going to happen. I wait for it. Instead of basking in the afterglow of a fantastic, romantic time..I wait for the ax to fall.
But a part of me wonders...in preparing myself for this to end SO well...will I help make it happen? And if it did happen...if I had let myself enjoy the moments and feelings up until the point that it did..would it really hurt that much more? Because really, I hurt through the whole thing expecting it. (sketch is by me)
