Hope Matters

I learned something about myself today. 

It actually came as a big surprise. It was one of those things that when you see it in yourself, you think...wow...that's really been there for awhile now and I just didn't see it. 

I tell all my friends to never give up hope..that there is always hope! 

I realized today that I don't allow myself to hope anymore. 

Yes. It was surprising. 

But I don't. 

I don't allow myself to be hopeful when making a new friend. Or when that friend becomes an attraction. Oh..I feel it's tiny head try to peek up and I just close the lid on it. 

Maybe I stopped hoping during my last abusive relationship. That one nearly did me in. I was very happy to get out of that one with at least a scrap of sanity left. 

But somewhere along the way, I started expecting the worst out of any situation. If I expected it, then I could brace myself for it, I mean really brace myself for it..then it wouldn't double me over when it came. 

Not realizing I was taking the enjoyment out of EVERYTHING in my life. New things, new experiences that I should be enjoying...never really and truly brought me any pleasure. I spent so much time thinking about things that I just KNEW were going to happen. Getting ready for them, much like people prepare for a hurricane..there is much excitement...fear...but no real enjoyment. 

So I have made myself miss out on a lot of good things, a lot of fun. Even if they ended in less than desirable ways...I got NO enjoyment from them at all. 

I realized this today because I met what I thought was a  great guy a few months ago. We talked and got to know each other. Modern romance way..online. We talked on Skype at least once a week. We became so attracted to each other that we just had to meet.  I cashed in my Sky Miles and we made it happen. I took off work, he took off work, I flew to his country. He drove 4 hours from his home to get me at the airport. He was so romantic. He rented a penthouse suite. We drove to his house the next day, watched a movie, enjoyed each other's company. I flew back the next day. He sent home one of his shirts  for me to sleep in, as well as a very nice jacket  for me to wear to keep me warm. I left smiling. 

But through ALL this...I kept expecting him to do what other guys always did. He didn't know of all the nights that I ranted to one of my best friends about what I just KNEW he was going to do next...and he never did. He always did and said the right things. 

Well, I am home now and he doesn't seem  interested anymore. I have driven myself crazy wondering what I did wrong. Why did he suddenly lose interest? Was I not physically attractive enough? He told me before I came that didn't matter to him. He was more interested in the woman inside and that she wanted to come, share a part of herself with him. (I know, right? Swoon) 

While a part of me thinks..everything is okay, another part of me thinks, no, this is when it's going to happen. I wait for it. Instead of basking in the afterglow of a fantastic, romantic time..I wait for the ax to fall. 

But a part of me wonders...in preparing myself for this to end SO well...will  I help make it happen? And if it did happen...if I had let myself enjoy the moments and feelings up until the point that it did..would it really  hurt that much more? Because really, I hurt through the whole thing expecting it. (sketch is by me) 

Corridors of Madness

I wrote the following one day because I couldn't NOT write it. I was recently deeply hurt by someone. Ah, but we've all been hurt many times, haven't we? It think it is more devastating to me, when it is by someone I called friend. And the hurt comes more from an overwhelming disappointment than anything else. You lose not only a lover..but a very good friend.  Only sometimes we 'read' people the way we want to believe they are, and while we listen to what they say...sometimes we don't really hear the words. Because people tell us who they are all the time. Whether we listen or not..can be our downfall. . 

Corridors of Madness 

Sometimes we get drawn into the corridors of madness

In someone else’s mind. 

Moaning, screaming, corridors of madness…

You feel the pull of your rational mind, 

Pleading with you not to go inside, to resist the morbid temptation…

But you can’t resist the corridors of madness

In someone else’s mind. 

Things there that you’ve never seen

Things that you’ve never felt, unheard of , never done.

You’ll just have a tiny peek..won’t venture too far..

Into the twisting, vibrating, pulsing corridors of madness

In someone else’s mind. 

You begin to believe things you can never believe. 

You begin to see things that you can never see. 

Things that change you, mold you, shape you, twist you into someone you don’t recognize 

Because you are traveling in the corridors of madness

In someone else’s mind. 

The corridors envelope you , a foggy, misty veil. They tell you it‘s all right. 

You will be happy now. 

You believe. You substitute fantasy for reality.

Until they slam then door and you are trapped. 

In the corridors of madness. 

In someone else’s mind. 

You gasp for breath. You run, but the madness tangles your legs. 

You feel sanity slipping gently from your fingers. 

You struggle. Fighting to free yourself. 

Almost too late you realize what a dangerous place. 

The corridors of madness

In someone else’s mind. 

The madness lures you, seduces you, fills you with such longing

That is never fully satisfied. 

It gives you a tiny taste of all the things you ever dreamed of..

Only to tempt you to give yourself more and more. 

Because that is the purpose. 

To break you, take all that is good from you. 

It’s so very difficult to free yourself

From the corridors of madness

In someone else’s mind. 

You find one last surge of strength…and break free from the tangled madness. 

You look back in fear and deep dark sadness…

Push the door open! Push it, hurry!! 

Kick the hollow bodies out of the way, Run, run hard for freedom!!! 

Beautiful sunlight ,fresh air fills your being with an all-consuming wind that 

Swirls around you from your feet, slowly up your body, gently lifting your hair. 

Like a lover’s caress. 

Take deep breaths and face the sun. Warming your face…the gentle lapping of the river on the banks, calls you to cleanse yourself. 

Despite yourself, you look back, 

Smiling a bittersweet smile as the door slams closed.

You bow your head for just a moment of sorrow. 

As you look up..forward again…

Love, light and warmth fills your soul.

You are free from the corridors of madness. 

In someone else’s mind.

Michelle Carney

Scarlett Butterfly

2011